The Better Sex Through Mindfulness Workbook: a Guide to Cultivating Desire by Lori Brotto PhD

Author:Lori Brotto, PhD
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Greystone Books
Published: 2022-10-15T00:00:00+00:00

5 When Difficulties Arise during Sex

USING MINDFULNESS TO ADDRESS EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL DIFFICULTIES WITH SEX

The science indicates that people with a sexual dysfunction are more likely than others to also have emotional or physical difficulties, or both. Chronic and unresolved trauma or depression can directly affect sexual response and even surface as flashbacks during sexual activity. Chronic pain can lead to lack of interest in sex and problems with sexual desire. Whether the challenge takes an emotional form (memories, thoughts, negative emotions) or physical form (chronic pain, tension, discomfort), it can interfere with sex—before, during, or after sexual activity—by reducing your motivation for sex, distracting you during sex, or interfering with your ability to appreciate the rewarding aspects of sexual activity. Sometimes these forms of suffering can stand in the way of any participation in sexual activity.

This chapter focuses on how mindfulness can help with emotional and physical difficulties by challenging our tendency to ignore such difficulties and instead helping us to face them, which the scientific research tells us is the far more effective approach. We will first consider a mindfulness practice that brings awareness to mental or emotional discomfort. Later in the chapter we will practice a mindfulness exercise that brings awareness to physical discomfort.

FORMAL EXERCISE 5: WORKING WITH DIFFICULTY MEDITATION

In chapter 4 you practiced observing your thoughts from a distance, as if you were sitting on the bank of a stream, watching them float by. Sometimes intentionally watching thoughts leads to their disappearing.

But what happens if we intentionally want to bring up upsetting thoughts? Can you imagine yourself mindfully watching those negative thoughts from a distance without becoming immersed in them? Because we so often have upsetting thoughts in our day-to-day life, including during sexual activity, being able to observe them mindfully while having compassion for ourselves and without reacting is an important skill.

In the following mindfulness practice, I will ask you to bring to mind a difficult situation that provokes a mild level of emotional discomfort for you. Maybe it is the memory of an argument with a family member or coworker. Maybe it is a longstanding stress or worry in your life. Maybe it is the feeling you had after you received some sad news. I suggest you bring up a difficult situation that is low on the scale from being not at all upsetting to being extremely upsetting—perhaps a memory that measures 3 out of 10 in level of distress for you. When you can practice relating to these difficult situations with mindfulness, you will be better equipped to manage them when they arise in real life.

WHAT YOU WILL NEED

•A chair, ideally high-back

•A quiet space (remember that no space will be totally silent, and that is okay!)

•Comfortable socks or shoes

•Your journal

This meditation will take about fifteen minutes.

STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO WORKING WITH DIFFICULTY MEDITATION

•Settle into a comfortable sitting position.

•Make any adjustments to enable you to sit as comfortably as you can with an erect and dignified posture. Check to see that your spine, neck, and head are in alignment.

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